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Things I Learned Today…

April 29, 2010

Yes people, that’s right. Even someone like myself (who is all-knowing) can still learn a thing or two. This always both humbles me and infuriates me. Because I feel like I should know it all, so when a day comes along like today when I learn so many new things, it makes me feel dumb. And that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position in the corner and rock back and forth while sucking my thumb. (Well, either that or open fire on random people, but that seems a bit extreme.)

So here’s what good ol’ Allison learned today…

1. Do NOT wait until 3 days before your child needs her costume for dance class to try to FIND said costume in a store somewhere. This is both stressful and stupid.

2. No store any longer sells bib overalls and/or short bib overalls for children older than the age of 2, because apparently, such items are no longer “cool”. (See #1.)

3. If you gave birth to children almost 8 years ago, for the love of god, get rid of at least one article of their clothing, because if there ever comes a time when you need to dig through all of said clothing to find one item (see #1 and #2), it will be much easier to locate that item in one or two 30-gallon Sterlite containers than it is to find that one item in 32 30-gallon Sterlite containers containing sizes from Infant to size 10. (Yes, for real… I counted the Sterlites today.)

4. Make friends with people who give birth to children that are the same gender as your own so that you have someone to give your children’s outgrown clothing to. (See #3.)

5. If your almost 7-year-old child can still fit into a size 3T pair of overalls that you managed to dig out of your attic, it’s perhaps time to feed her more food. (Although I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t pleased that she could fit into that size 3T pair of overalls, saving me more stress and craziness tomorrow.)

6. Don’t sign up to run a 5K that’s a few weeks away and then announce it to 361 friends on Facebook (which means you can’t NOT do it) when you know your knees are ridiculously bad and you aren’t even remotely in shape. Because eventually, you’ll just collapse in a heap in your backyard and hope the neighbors don’t notice until you are well enough to stand back up and hobble into the house.

7. When you’re a wife and mother, no matter how hard you try to spread out your duties and responsibilities throughout the day, it will all come crashing down on you between the hours of 5:00 PM and 8:00 PM. So while one kid wants a hot dog and the other kid wants chicken nuggets and you’re making haddock and green beans for your husband and you don’t want any of those options, your husband will also need you to simultaneously fix an error on his employee’s pay stub on the computer so he can write out that employee’s paycheck.

8. Teach your children to tap a pitcher of Miller Lite from the kegorator in the basement because in situations such as #7, it is a great help if someone else in the house can perform at least one task that will help dull the pain.

9. Don’t marry someone who is so obsessed and anal that he needs workout spreadsheets created and printed out on a computer for 4:30 AM the next morning.

10. Don’t marry someone who has no clue how to even turn on a computer, let alone use it. Because this will result in bitterness from the spouse that does know how to use a computer (see # 7 and #9).

11. Don’t decide to take your general daily stress out on by forcefully pushing your computer chair back into place (see #10) because it will result in a 20-minute long argument that really makes no sense and is nothing but a distraction from you watching Grey’s Anatomy.

12. Marry someone who admits their faults and apologizes to you after an argument when he realizes it was ALL his damn fault. (See #10.)

Please read the above statements and make sure that you too don’t fall into these traps. Because I guarantee you, it will lead to some sort of alcoholism or something. Which may be a good thing depending on how you look at it, but generally speaking, isn’t the best way to handle the situation…

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. April 30, 2010 3:19 PM

    Hey there! Re:#7 – I think that is why my mother and grandmother called this time of day “arsenic hour”. But who is supposed to take the arsenic – mom or kids? I would have taken it neat with a slice of lime had I had any. Re:#11 – Hahahahahahah 🙂

    • April 30, 2010 5:11 PM

      LOL @ “arsenic hour”. That describes it PERFECTLY! 😀

  2. April 30, 2010 9:32 AM

    If only every day could be so educational :). Guess I should let my mom off the hook now–I was the only one in a red sweater and skirt for my first figure skating recital picture amidst a dozen girls in pink and grey Dumbo the Elephant costumes. At least I had it for the recital.

    Thanks for the fun.

    • April 30, 2010 2:04 PM

      LOL Heather! Yes… call her up right now and tell her she’s off the hook. It’s probably been bothering her for decades now. 😉

  3. April 30, 2010 9:20 AM

    oh and he’s super anal about his truck. Not a speck of dirt on the outside are a crumb of anything on the inside. Then he has the nerve to ask me how my car is so disgusting.

  4. April 30, 2010 9:19 AM

    I’m pretty sure that our husbands are related in some way. They’re both OCD (mine about the yard) and know nothing about computers. Although Ralph is learning, that only means he sits at his desk, which is 10 feet away from mine, all day asks me how to do things. I get all frustrated and bitchy and he gets pissed that I’m frustrated and bitchy.
    Jacob had to wear a dirty baseball uniform to his game last night because I failed to wash any laundry in the last 3 days.

  5. Kim permalink
    April 30, 2010 6:40 AM

    Totally with you on the 5 – 8 p.m. thing. It’s awful. We call it “Family colic.” I used to think happy hour started at 5 for people who needed to relieve stress after their office jobs. Now I know better.

    • April 30, 2010 10:52 PM

      LOL @ “Family Colic”. Damn straight it’s family colic. (But why does it seem like the mother suffers the worst? LOL!)

  6. April 29, 2010 11:13 PM

    Love it!I totally understand…..all too well!

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