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Wanna See Some Girl-on-Girl Cat Fighting?

May 14, 2010

Then watch for me when the next season of the Bachelor airs. (I actually have no clue when the next season airs, but just watch for it, because if I have my way, I’ll be on it.)

See, I have this all planned out. Now first of all, let me reiterate that I am very happily married. It’s like a damn utopia around here. Seriously. I have absolutely no desire to leave my husband, cheat on my husband, or piss him off. Yes, we have our moments, and yes, he does things that make me want to go ape shit. But generally speaking, I’ve found my soul mate, we’re best friends, we very rarely argue, and in 11 years, we haven’t once thought about ending it all. That being said, he also understands my overwhelming desire to make the entire world think like I do, so I’m pretty sure he’d be OK with the plan I’m about to lay out for all of you…

Here’s how it’s going to play out….

First, I’m going to drop about 20 lbs. Now granted, I only weigh 12o-ish lbs. right now, and on my 5’3 1/2″ frame, that’s not so bad. But let’s face it. Unless I can rock a bikini and not have a slight beer gut hanging out, I’ve already lost any chance of landing on the show.

After I drop those 20 lbs., I’m going to get a boob job. Again, I’m somewhere between a B and a C cup, but we all know that unless I’m sporting a cleavage that could hide one of those midgets I’m afraid of, then again, my chances of landing on the show are slim to none.

Next, I’ll become a blonde. A platinum blonde. This is where my amazingly talented hair stylist and friend, Aaron, comes in. He hasn’t done me wrong yet, so I have complete confidence that he can make me look like a walking Barbie doll if asked (or at least like her second-rate cousin, Skipper).

So assuming I do all of the above, I have complete confidence that my personality can guarantee me a spot on the show. This is where the fun begins…

Upon being accepted to be on the show and then arriving on the set, I’m going to just blend right in with the other pathetic whore bag lovely, classy ladies that were chosen. I’ll toss my hair back, bat my eyelashes, and smile so big that you’ll swear my glittery thong is so far up my ass that there’s no hope of ever retrieving it.

I’ll flirt with the wealthy bachelor, while also slyly making friends with the other sluts girls that are there.

I’ll make out with the bachelor in some random, bacteria-ridden, sperm-filled hot tub, knowing all of the other bitches ladies are back at the mansion, contemplating whether or not the living Ken doll really has the hots for me or just likes my new double-D tits.

Once I use my charm to get into the top 4 or 5 girls or so is when my evil plot will all take shape. First, I’ll make a point of having sex with the not even remotely hot attractive bachelor. This is simply to throw off the other women and make them hate me (so that my upcoming bitch slaps won’t emotionally wound them).

Then, I’m going to sit each one of the pathetic excuses for women ladies down one by one and explain to them that if one hopes to find actual love, then going on what is really a glorified game show and sucking face with and screwing a guy who is doing the same with 19 other girls at the same time probably isn’t the way to do it. Then I’m going to tell them (assuming they can comprehend intelligent conversation) that they’re giving women everywhere a bad name, that they’re worthless, that the only reason they haven’t found true love yet is because they’re shallow and superficial. And then I’m going to line them up side-by-side and walk down the line and bitch slap every goddamn one of them.

Chances are, they won’t know what hit them and will run crying to the arrogant asshole bachelor to “tell” on me. And they’ll all fall, one by one, into his arms and he’ll screw them to ease the pain (one right after the other, with a 5-minute break in between each girl so that the douchebag gentleman has time to  rinse off the sex scent of the 4 other previous girls).

And then, as each one exits the dickbag’s upstanding citizen’s room, I’ll bitch slap them again and finish them off by punching them in the chest, hoping to pop whatever silicone or saline-filled pouches are in there. And then when he walks out, I’ll rip his nuts off, shove them down his throat, and belittle him by telling him he has a small penis and chastising him for being a pig who just spent weeks making out (and screwing) 20 random girls in his search for his future wife.

Because we all know that if you’re going to find someone to spend the rest of your life with, the way to do that is to find 20 girls to simultaneously screw, suck face with, and flop around in hot tubs.

That is absolutely the way to set yourself up with a lovely life partner that will forever be devoted to you and be willing to walk to the ends of the earth with. Uh huh.

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PS: I’m pretty sure that upon carrying out my plan, that I’ll be kicked off the show by whatever producer is secretly having a homosexual affair with whatever bachelor is on the show. But that’s OK. Because I can die happy knowing I did at least one good thing for my fellow vagina-bearing comrades who feel the same way I do.

PPS: Yes (for those of you that will ask and/or challenge me), I’ve watched the show. One episode of one season. And I was so repulsed and embarrassed for the losers that were on it (the guy and the girls), that I changed the channel and have refused to ever watch another second of it again. And I and never will.

(Well… except for the season that I’m on it. Because that season will at least be somewhat entertaining…)

15 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2010 1:55 AM

    hot tubs with ceramic heaters are the best and they are safer to use too because the heating element is fully enclosed ‘”,

  2. October 28, 2010 11:10 AM

    i like to dip on a hot tub every morning and before going to sleep, it is really nice”::

  3. June 11, 2010 4:47 AM

    You could take the morally upper hand and start a Bachelorette show where a young, blonde buxom can screw 20 eligible bachelors. Ew. That’d be gross though.

    This post really cracked me up. The Bachelor is an insane, pointless show created by some zany, highly testosteronised badass.

  4. May 20, 2010 3:59 PM

    Yeah, I watch the show too. Well, I watched the last few episodes of last season anyway. I just don’t get how anyone would want to go on the show but I guess the women that go on there are shallow and lonely enough to deserve the Bachelor that wants to sleep with them all.

    Sigh.

  5. May 19, 2010 3:23 AM

    Loved this, hilarious post! Like you, I only watched an episode when we were still in the States & have no desire to watch it ever again. I haven’t really watched TV since we left the States in 2005, & not at all since we’ve been here in Italy since Oct 2008…I’m surprised this show is still around.

  6. May 18, 2010 7:44 PM

    *snort!/chuckle*

    *wipes whiskey and tea off keyboard and monitor*

    OMFG – that all damn near killed me *laughs more – kids wonder if they should call Gramma now or wait to see if I will recover*

    I have watched the show once – and promptly decided that if I wanted to subject myself to unattainable fantasies I would continue to watch Martha ironing her antique linen napkins…

    I am 4’10″ and 115lbs and I know what YOU would look like if you lost 20 lbs dear – you would be a platinum blonde smear – don’t do it. (just sayin’)

    Thanks for the giggle (Oh – and thanks for the reason to clean the keyboard – it was looking bad)

    Cheers!

    M.L.

    • May 18, 2010 10:38 PM

      M.L., My keyboard is ridiculously messy and dusty and cruddy. Cleaning it may not be a bad idea for me either. LOL!

  7. May 18, 2010 10:38 AM

    Brilliant. Hysterical.

    Can’t wait to see the pictures after the boob job. I suspect you will fall down a lot. ; )

    • May 18, 2010 10:36 PM

      LOL Lori! Yes, I probably would have quite a bit of problem with that whole balancing/walking upright thing.

  8. May 17, 2010 12:42 AM

    Hysterical! That was absolutely marvelous!!! Just discovered ur blog – some amazing posts, really love it!!! =)

    • May 18, 2010 10:35 PM

      Welcome dizzyblond! Glad you found me. :)

      I hope you stick around.

  9. May 14, 2010 11:58 AM

    Oh, I totally understand watching it. It’s the people that go ON it that flabbergast me.

    And izzie, my whole plan is to go on the Bachelor first. Then after my “tantrum,” I’ll get booted off. A week or so later, there will be such an overwhelming response from the viewers, that I’ll be asked to be the bachelorette for the next show. It’s all part of my evil plan. LOL!

  10. May 14, 2010 8:56 AM

    Funny, funny, funny. You must watch as it provides So much material to write about. P.S. The Bachelorette starts this summer if you want to go after the men.

  11. May 14, 2010 8:49 AM

    I’m with Tiffany. It’s such a train wreck and I get sucked in from episode one. It’s degrading to the men and women on the show and it’s all edited and total bull shit all the way around. What can I say????

  12. May 14, 2010 12:50 AM

    I’ll admit it. I watch the show.

    It is such a train wreck, I really can’t look away. You’re 100% spot on about the folks featured on the series, too.

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